Confidence

from Merriam-Webster
Main Entry: 1con·fi·dence
Pronunciation: \ˈkän-fə-dən(t)s, -ˌden(t)s\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century

1 a : a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances b : faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way
2 : the quality or state of being certain : certitude
3 a : a relation of trust or intimacy b : reliance on another's discretion c : support especially in a legislative body
4 : a communication made in confidence : secret
synonyms confidence, assurance, self-possession, aplomb mean a state of mind or a manner marked by easy coolness and freedom from uncertainty, diffidence, or embarrassment. confidence stresses faith in oneself and one's powers without any suggestion of conceit or arrogance . assurance carries a stronger implication of certainty and may suggest arrogance or lack of objectivity in assessing one's own powers . self-possession implies an ease or coolness under stress that reflects perfect self-control and command of one's powers . aplomb implies a manifest self-possession in trying or challenging situations .

My husband has been away for five weeks. When we agreed that he should travel for a while, we did it with confidence- our marriage could withstand distance (it has), he would be okay without me to cook and wash his clothes (he has), I could adequately manage our home and son and pets by myself (I have, but I really miss him). It's a pretty big thing to agree to one third of your immediate family to live separately for a time. We're managing, though, and I'm confident that with God's continuing grace we will be fine, and have a delightful reunion in about a week.

I wrote that to give you an example of my confidence. I am not a timid or uncertain person. Why then, did I spend at least twenty anxious minutes composing a very short email this week? Why did I wish it back after I had hit the send button? I'm not going to go into details, but it was a weird thing to send. Thankfully, it was not treated as a weird thing to receive. I got a gracious and friendly response. The oddness was apparently all in my head (or my friend is too nice to call me out).

Another area where I am uncertain and lack aplomb is ministry. The last few years, God has been using various people and situations to show me the gifts He has entrusted to me. I can't figure out what to do with them! It's frustrating. I'm sure (He had to tell me at least ten or twenty times) of this gifting. I can see the value of it. I believe a prophesy that was given to me that the horizon of my promised land as about to broaden significantly. Now if I could just figure out what, if anything, I'm supposed to be doing to help. I'm grateful for any prayers you have to spare for me in this area. I know we all have a LOT to take to the throne right now!